Here is an example of how to begin a love correspondence through a mutual acquaintance, according to Hill’s Manual of Social and Business Forms, published in 1885.
The first image below is the gentleman’s letter to the lady. Using proper etiquette of the time to respond, the lady could either then answer favorably or have someone answer on her behalf if her response was unfavorable.
Wedding ceremonies, and the reception afterward, were quite different during the mid to late 19th century than they are today. Here is what would typically happen during these events.
June was considered the favored month for a marriage. Named after Juno, Roman goddess of marriage, she would bring prosperity and happiness to all who wed in her month. Keep in mind, people during the 19th century were superstitious about many things.
Brides were superstitious about the day of the week they should be married. A popular rhyme of the time goes:
“Marry on Monday for health,
Tuesday for wealth,
Wednesday the best day of all,
Thursday for crosses,
Friday for losses, and
Saturday for no luck at all.”
Sunday was the Sabbath. There were to be no weddings that day.
Now to the ceremony. Contrary to today in which both the bride and groom exchange rings, it was more common at the time for only the bride to receive a ring. There were very few double ring ceremonies during this period. It was considered good luck if the ring was accidentally dropped during the ceremony, as all evil spirits were believed to have been shaken out of it. Again, another superstition.
After vows were exchanged and the ceremony concluded, the bride and groom walked out of the church, or other venue, without looking left or right. It was considered bad taste to acknowledge friends and acquaintances upon exiting. The ancient Roman tradition of throwing nuts at a married couple carried over into the 19th century, only it was now rice, grain, or birdseed.
Now to the reception, which often took place at the home of the bride’s parents. Because of the early hours in which weddings would normally occur, the reception was usually a late breakfast. A special section was set up in the home for the bride, groom, and the parents of both newlyweds, to receive congratulations by guests as they arrived. The bride was to be congratulated first unless a guest only knew the groom. In that case, that particular guest would congratulate the groom but not the bride, as it was implied she was already honored by marrying said groom. In the case of an indoor reception, guests were served their breakfast standing while only the bridal party was served seated. If the home was large enough or the weather was nice enough to eat outdoors, additional tables could be set up for all guests to be seated.
There was no entertainment. It was understood that guests did not need entertainment as they should just feel honored that they were invited to the wedding itself.
In early Victorian times, three wedding cakes were brought out, one large elaborate cake for guests, and two less elaborate smaller cakes, one each for the bride and groom. The newlywed’s small cakes were cut into as many slices as there were guests, with each piece given to a guest. Both small cakes contained a number of favors (or charms) baked inside for good luck. It was unknown which guest was to receive which favor in which slice. Another popular rhyme of the time regarding these favors being found by guests in their slice of cake goes:
“The ring for marriage within a year;
The penny for wealth, my dear;
The thimble for an old maid or bachelor born;
The button for sweethearts all forlorn.”
This tradition died out in the late 19th century as guests, particularly bridesmaids, did not want to soil their gloves pulling apart their cake in search of a favor. It is unclear why utensils were not used. This tradition, however, seems to be the precursor to tossing the bouquet (whoever found the ring in the cake in the 19th century compared to whoever catches the bouquet now, will soon be married).
According to an 1882 etiquette book, if a man did not receive a written correspondence in return from a woman he was interested in courting, he should follow up with a letter very similar to this example provided.
What are known as “courting candles” have an interesting history, and though not originally designed for the following purpose, they became used for such. Courting candles, during the 19th century, were used by the head of the household (typically the husband/father) as a timer for suitors to visit his daughter. When the daughter’s suitor came calling, the father lit the candle in a sitting room where the couple conversed. The father could change the height of the candle based on how comfortable he felt about the suitor. When the candle burned down to the top spiral of the candleholder, it was time for the suitor to promptly leave.
The top spiral of the candleholder was used as a timer. If the father approved of the suitor, he could set the candle’s base near the top spiral, allowing much of the candle to be above it. Thus, the flame would take a longer time reaching the top spiral, allowing for a longer visit by the suitor. If he did not approve of the suiter, he could set the candle’s base on a lower spiral so that the flame would reach the top spiral quicker, and thus the suitor would need to leave sooner.
The father could also snuff out the candle early or add a second candle depending on what he deemed necessary. The courting candle served as a quiet, yet firm reminder to the suitor to end his date. It taught daughters to respect their parents’ judgment as well as demonstrating to suitors the father’s ability to judge a man.
There are numerous websites in which people can post “Missed Connections”, hoping to re-connect (usually romantically) with someone they may have seen or had a brief encounter with in public. Apparently, “Missed Connections” have been around for quite a while, as seen in this correspondence section of a March 3, 1870 newspaper.
On November 4, 1842, Abraham Lincoln and Mary Todd were married. The marriage was not necessarily a great one, as Mary Todd was a difficult woman. Lincoln’s secretary referred to her as a “hellcat”. Lincoln initially felt he had made a mistake in marrying Mary Todd, as is evident in a letter he wrote later that year to his best friend, Joshua Speed. A part of that letter was in regard to his new marriage, which read, “My old father used to have a saying that ‘If you made a bad bargain, hug it the tighter.’ ”
Lincoln had a friend named Elizabeth Abell, who was married and lived in Springfield, Illinois, the same town Lincoln lived in. Lincoln had once briefly met Elizabeth’s sister, Mary Owens in 1833, when she had visited from Kentucky. Elizabeth thought Lincoln was good marriage material for her sister and had been pushing for a marriage between the two, even though Lincoln and Mary Owens had only met once. In 1836, Elizabeth was planning to visit Kentucky to see Mary. She told Lincoln she would bring her sister back to Illinois if he promised to marry her. Lincoln jokingly agreed. The truth, however, is Lincoln was not attracted to Mary Owens. Letters Lincoln wrote to friends regarding Mary spoke of him not being attracted to her appearance, weight and temperament.
Too honorable, and possibly still too embarrassed to break off the engagement, Lincoln wrote Mary Owens three letters, each providing facts of why he would not be good marriage material. It’s the classic “It’s not you, it’s me”.
I was only able to find a copy of Lincoln’s second letter to Mary Owens, dated May 7, 1837. It reads as follows:
Lincoln”
The letters apparently worked, as Mary broke off the engagement. As she later stated, “he lacked those little links which make up the great chain of a woman’s happiness.”
When the relationship with Mary Owens was finally terminated, Lincoln wrote to a friend, “I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason; I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me.”
An 1865 personals ad. The name Andy Johnson within the ad refers to President Andrew Johnson.
Escort cards were a popular novelty item during the latter part of the 19th century. Men would hand escort cards to women they desired getting to know. The woman could either return the card if she was not interested in getting to know that potential suitor, or keep it if she was.
Escort response cards, such as the one pictured below in the last photo, were sometimes also handed to women along with the escort card itself. If she was interested in getting to know that potential suitor, she would return the response card.
What qualities did women look for in a husband at the turn of the 20th century? One hundred women were questioned, some of their answers appearing in the June 1903 issue of The Ladies’ Home Journal. Did appearance matter? How about wealth? Read and find out!
